Good Morning Belles and Beaus! I am commonly asked, "Do you ever get Bridezillas?" The answer usually surprise them. "No. Not really. It's usually always the moms." Well that's a loaded statement, I know. Most moms are wonderful. They support the bride and groom's choices and decisions, but other times, well, they tend to be a lot even for the the vendors! I couldn't tell you the amount of times our brides/grooms have apologized for their mom's behavior. So today I'm going to give a little advice on figuring out if your Mom is taking it a little too far and offer up some strategies on how to help overcome some situations. This blog aims to provide useful advice and tactics to assist you in managing this difficult scenario while maintaining a positive relationship with your mother throughout these significant moments. This is not written to slam moms AT ALL! We love our moms, but we've also seen ones who take it a little (or sometimes A LOT) too far!
Alright Y'all, Let's Get Carried Away with Momzillas!
Dealing with an overbearing mother during wedding planning is a common challenge faced by many couples. Often referred to as 'Momzilla,' an overbearing mother of the bride or groom can make this period stressful. First and Foremost, remember that your wedding day is all about you and your partner. Although your mom may have strong opinions, it is important to establish boundaries early on with family members and communicate openly to express your preferences. I'm here assist you in utilizing effective communication strategies that acknowledge your mother's input while also guaranteeing that your own wishes and needs are respected. I'll offer wedding planning advice and suggestions that enable you to engage your mother in the preparations in a manner that shows appreciation without relinquishing control. Whether by assigning her specific responsibilities or assigning her a meaningful role during your wedding celebration, I will present various possibilities to ensure a pleasant experience for both of you. Avoid allowing controlling parents, like an overbearing mother of the bride or groom, to dampen the happiness and enthusiasm of your wedding day. With the appropriate tactics, you can create a peaceful and unforgettable event for everyone involved. Let's start by addressing how to handle this sensitive issue together.
Know Your Role
The mother of the bride or groom typically has a significant role in the wedding preparations, traditionally helping with the guest list, providing guidance on decor and attire, and coordinating pre-wedding functions. Nevertheless, if a mother's involvement becomes excessive and domineering, it may overshadow the couple's ideas and impact the entire wedding planning journey. Again, this is YOUR day. It's great to have advice but DO NOT feel forced into a corner when you kindly disregard the advice.
Recognizing that a well-meaning but controlling mother can inadvertently cause stress and tension, affecting mental well-being during wedding preparations, is crucial. Understanding the underlying reasons for her actions is essential for addressing the situation empathetically and seeking positive resolutions.
We have seen far more MOB Momzillas, but we have also seen a few MOG Momzillas too. Usually when dealing with a MOG her insecurities and need to be included stem from either only having sons or having a daughter who did not include her in the planning as much as she felt she should have been included.
Brace for Impact
Having a dominating mother can significantly impact the process of planning your wedding, leading to increased stress levels. Coping with controlling parents requires effectively managing the persistent pressure and unwanted involvement, which can result in stress, strained relationships, and potential resentment towards the engaged couple. It is SO IMPORTANT to promptly address this issue to ensure a positive and gratifying journey towards your special day.
The behavior of an overbearing mother can also influence the dynamic between the bride and groom. It is essential for the partners to set clear boundaries with their parents post-marriage and be in sync, providing mutual support when dealing with a controlling parent. Maintaining open and transparent communication will be crucial in navigating this situation together and presenting a unified front.
You've been planning for 2 months, she's been planning for 20 years.
When a mother has a little girl, she tends to envision what her wedding day will look like. Some moms tend to struggle releasing that vision. If your mom immediately starts with ideas once the "Yes" has been said, you might want to test the waters. See how she's receiving your ideas. Determine if she is listening to your vision or if she is actively giving you "other" ideas. So even though you're just now thinking about this, she has a ton of ideas. Some might be helpful, some might be dreadful, and some might be absolutely perfect for you and your fiance. Just remember she's changing in her mind what she always thought you would want, so it may take time for her vision to alight with you. If when you start explaining the vision, its met with difficulty, you might want to keep on reading!
Dress Shopping Heads Up
Having an overly opinionated mother can significantly change the way an appointment goes. I have watched so many brides fall in love with gowns and be forced into walking away (some even in tears) because Mom didn't like fitted and would only buy a ballgown. I've heard mothers proudly state "I'm gonna be a Momzilla, you're not getting married in that. If I'm buying a gown, its going to be what I like. Mom knows best. You'll thank me."
I have also watched other times when a mother had no idea how overbearing she was being until I politely suggested, "Well, it is all about how the bride wants to look at her wedding. The day happens so quickly and in such a whirlwind, pictures are so important to look back on. I would hate for her to look back at her dress and feel pressured into something she feels less comfortable in. She looks beautiful in both but she clearly loves how she looks and feels in that one." The mother was first taken back by my statement and later thanked me for reminding her it isn't about her.
When you start the dress shopping process, show mom the inspo pics, but make sure you let her know just as you would your stylist. "These are my ideas. This is what I think I want but my mind is open until I start trying on. Then I may change my mind. I will know it's right when I try it on." This way you've set some boundaries, but allowed her to be included in the vision.
We try to let overbearing mothers know in polite ways, but sometimes if the ground work isn't laid, they tend to believe they are running the appointment not the bride. But hey, if we need to be the bad guy, just let us know. I've had brides ask me to please handle their mom. I did and would again. Our bride deserves to have the best experience possible and if that means Mom needs to go grab a coffee while we finish, that's ok too. It is your experience.
Establishing Boundaries
Ok! So we've decided Mom has the potential to become a Momzilla. What do we do next? When dealing with her, it is crucial to establish boundaries. It is important to clearly communicate your needs and desires while respectfully setting limits on her involvement. Below are some strategies to assist you in effectively setting boundaries with family, ensuring that your boundaries are respected during your wedding events:
What are your Non Negotiables?: Determine the key aspects of the wedding that are significant to you guys. Whether that is colors, venue, or even the late night pizza bar. Clearly communicate these to her, indicating that these are areas where you wish to maintain full control.
Utilize “I” statements: When discussing your boundaries, use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without assigning blame. For instance, state, “I would appreciate it if we could go to the caterer's tasting just the two of us.”
Remain firm yet kind: Stand your ground while maintaining a respectful and understanding demeanor. Stress that you value your mother’s input but must make decisions that align with your wedding vision.
Keep in mind that creating boundaries is not me saying to completely excluding her. Establishing boundaries requires finding a middle ground that enables you to maintain your vision while also involving her in a way that is mutually agreeable.
Cracking the Code
Once you've established boundaries, what next? Effective communication is CRUCIAL in all interactions. Below are some helpful techniques to guide your conversations with her, ensuring that your messages are conveyed clearly and respectfully.
Sincerely Listen: Demonstrate active listening by giving your mother your undivided attention when she expresses her thoughts or concerns. This will demonstrate that you value her opinions. Even if you disagree with her input, show her you listened to her and did not immediately disagree with out reason.
Show appreciation: Recognize your mother's efforts and express gratitude for her contributions. Even in saying I am not doing __________, you can still let her know you appreciate her for trying to help. Doing so will help maintain a positive atmosphere during your discussions.
Maintain composure: It's essential to stay calm and collected, even if your mother becomes defensive or argumentative. I've always been the first to shut something down and sometimes lose my temper. Once tempers flare it is hard to dial it back. Taking deep breaths and staying composed will help defuse tense situations.
Seek compromise and negotiation: Identify areas where you can compromise and discover common ground. Maybe it isn't a big deal if she wants to add another dessert to the menu, but it is a HUGE deal to you that she adds an extra 10 friends to the guest list. Compromise. No you do not like cheesecakes, but she found a guy to make individual servings to add to the dessert table. Allow her to include the cheesecake, but stand firm in you only want to be surrounded by your nearest and dearest and you're sorry. No, her new coworker can't get an invitation. This approach will ease tension and foster a more harmonious planning process
Keep in mind that effective communication involves active participation from both sides. Encourage your mother to share her thoughts and concerns, and be open to listening and working together to find solutions. This is a key element in establishing boundaries.
Inclusion Matters
To make your mother feel valued and important without letting her take control during the wedding planning process, consider involving her in a structured manner. Assign her specific tasks with guidelines so it's your vision and her execution. By involving her in a structured and controlled manner, you can strike a balance between her wishes and your own vision for the wedding. This approach ensures that the planning process remains harmonious and reflects both of your contributions.
Middle Ground
Like I said before, it is important to embrace compromise and seek common ground. Recognize the importance of this time for both parties, and strive to strike a balance between your preferences and her involvement. This approach will lead to a smoother wedding planning experience.
Keep an open mind and be receptive to your mother's ideas. Identify areas where you can reach compromises without compromising your own vision for the wedding. Through the practice of compromise and finding common ground, you can create a celebration that respects both your wishes and your mother's contributions.
Tips For Your Mental Health
Walking the balancing act between you guys can be emotionally exhausting, but it is essential to focus on your mental health and well-being while organizing your wedding. Here are some suggestions to help you stay centered and safeguard your sanity, ensuring you are in optimal condition for the significant day.
Take breaks: Plan regular breaks from wedding preparations to rejuvenate and concentrate on self-care. This might involve activities like taking a stroll, practicing mindfulness, or enjoying a hobby. Enjoy some you time! But also, make sure you and your SO are getting in some date nights which include zero wedding discussion!
Support System: Turn to friends, siblings, and your partner for support. Share your worries and frustrations with them, allowing them to offer emotional support and guidance. I'm sure your best friend will listen. Also in some cases it's your partner's parent causing the problems. Make sure they support you while you navigate their parent and show a united front with every disagreement.
Quality Time: Reserve quality time to spend with your mother apart from wedding-related conversations. Schedule a lunch date and make sure that when you schedule it you let her know this is time apart from the wedding planning. Let her know anything wedding related is off limits. This will help reinforce your relationship and remind both of you of the love and connection you share beyond the wedding.
Remember, your mental and emotional well-being should be a priority during the wedding planning process. Taking care of yourself will enable you to navigate any obstacles that may come your way, ensuring that your mental and emotional health are well taken care of as you get ready for your wedding day.
Your Day. Your Opinions Matter Most.
Managing a Momzilla during wedding preparations may pose difficulties, but it's crucial to keep the focus on the couple on the wedding day. The key is to concentrate on the essential elements – your mutual love and the celebration of your commitment. You and your partner are the MAIN STARS of this show!
By establishing boundaries, practicing clear communication, and involving your mother in a controlled manner, you can navigate the wedding planning process gracefully and create a memorable occasion for all.
Remember, the love and backing of your family are priceless, and finding a way to engage your mother while preserving your independence will ensure a harmonious and pleasant experience. Ultimately, family ties are everlasting, so it's important to avoid conflicts and disputes that could potentially damage your relationships in the future.
Therefore, take a moment to compose yourself, engage in candid discussions, and have faith in your ability to tackle any obstacles that come your way. Your wedding day will serve as a lovely symbol of your love, and by implementing successful approaches, the possibility of dealing with a Momzilla can transform into having a helpful supporter.
Happy Wedding Planning Y'all!
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